When I think back to the beginning of seminary I am always amazed at how I had to learn how to say “This is something I don’t have the energy for”.
At the beginning, we’re taught boundaries as how it relates to other people rather than ourselves. We have a workshop that explains boundaries, not regarding finding our limits of energy but rather how can we make sure we’re good stewards of Christ by not harming others. Which is necessary, especially considering the state of religious leadership in the United States.
But I wonder sometimes how much of a disservice are we doing for recovering people pleasers if we don’t instill early that we, too, deserve to have boundaries on our time. That it doesn’t make us bad stewards of Christ if we ask politely that people not text us after 7pm unless it’s an emergency or we are in the building anyway, so that we can have time for our family?
Recent moments in my life have had me realizing that the institutions that ask us for labor will be long-standing after I am no longer on this Earth. I’ve started to ask myself “is this something truly worth splitting hairs over?” And I’ve found it’s started to trim a lot out of my life.
The ELCA, corporate gyms, etc will be around long after me. When I retire, I don’t want to look back on my life realizing I sacrificed time I could have spent with my loved ones in order to continue feeding the capitalist machine. Which, I am sorry to say, does include religious institutions in the US. I’ve come to realize pastor’s, deacon’s, and their bodies are a commodity not unlike how in the fitness industry my body is seen as currency.
Finding that “Big-girl bark”
One of the things that’s helped me learn how to speak up is the Australian children’s show Bluey. If you haven’t watched it yet, you are definitely missing out. You can watch it on Disney+ in the US! My husband and I like to watch it as a palate-cleanser after particularly harrowing TV shows (The Last of Us, anyone?).
In the episode that inspired this post (you can view the full episode on Youtube, it’s 7 minutes so a worthwhile view), the youngest daughter Bingo is distressed after her dad, Bandit, plays too rough with her. You see her start to realize he’s being too rough, and she eventually goes off to be by herself. The image of little Bingo curled up outside batting away tears is a familiar one for those of us afraid of speaking up. Her mom, Chili, finds her and asks:
“Did you use your big girl bark*?”
“No,” Bingo says sadly, “Because I don’t have a very good big girl bark”
Chili builds Bingo’s confidence by giving her the space to have a nice, loud, big-girl bark. Bandit later affirms Bingo’s big-girl bark and fixes the communication issue he caused. A happy ending for all involved!
I don’t know why, but the image of Chili hyping up her daughter until she had a nice loud “big-girl” bark struck me. In many male dominated spaces, big-girl barks are looked down upon as (pardon my French and the pun) being a “bitch”. But here, we see the normalization of being able to say “This isn’t okay, and I don’t like it.”
My benediction for you all in the next week is to practice your “big-girl” bark and see where it takes you.
*A big-girl bark is exactly that: A nice loud bark that says “Time out!”. In humans, it could be saying ‘time out’, or saying ‘I don’t have energy for this/this isn’t okay’.